Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster.
I asked for turkey and roast beef...
- ...with lettuce and Swiss on whole wheat. - What'd they give you?
Turkey and roast beef with Swiss and lettuce on whole wheat.
It's the right ingredients but in the wrong order.
In a proper sandwich, the cheese is adjacent to the bread...
...to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce.
They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash.
- I don't believe it. - I know. It's basic culinary science.
Some guy is auctioning off a miniature time-machine prop...
...from the original film and no one is bidding.
A time machine from the movie The Time Machine?
No, a time machine from Sophie's Choice.
Boy, Sophie could have used a time machine in that movie.
Did you see it? It's rough.
HOWARD: Oh, that's cool. LEONARD: Uh-huh.
- It's only $800? - Yeah. And that's my bid.
- You bid $800? - It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.
I figured it would go for thousands, and I just wanted to be a part of it.
- There's only 30 seconds left in the auction. - Do you have $800?
- Not to blow on a miniature time machine. - Don't worry.
People wait until the last second, then they get it. It's called sniping.
- Fifteen seconds. - Come on, snipers.
- Ten, nine, eight... - Where are your snipers?
- Five. - Snipe.
- Four. - Snipe.
- Three, two. - Snipe, snipe.
- One. - Ah!
Oh. Congratulations, you are the proud owner of a miniature time machine.
- You lucky duck. LEONARD: Heh.
I wonder why no one else bid.
This is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.
I know. But I still can't afford it.
Why don't we share it? We'll each put in 200 bucks...
- ...and take turns having it in our house. - A time-share time machine.
- I'm in. Sheldon? - Wha...? Need you ask?
But I still don't understand why no one else bid.
I understand why no one else bid.
Did the listing actually say "miniature"?
I just assumed.
Well, who sells a full-sized time machine for $800?
In a Venn diagram, that would be an individual located...
...within the intersection of "no longer want time machine"...
...and "need $800."
It's actually a tremendous bargain.
Even with shipping, it works out to less than $4 a pound.
Cocktail shrimp are 12.50.
How are we gonna get it upstairs?
If we take the dish off, it might fit in the elevator.
Yes, but the elevator's been broken for two years.
I've been meaning to ask you, do you think we should make a call about that?
Not necessary. I have a Master's in engineering.
I remotely repair satellites on a regular basis.
I troubleshoot space-shuttle payloads.
When the Mars rover started pulling to the left...
...I performed a front-end alignment from 62 million miles away.
No, that baby's broken.
LEONARD: Come on, guys, push.
HOWARD: If I push any harder, I'm gonna give birth to my colon.
RAJESH: I can't feel my fingers. Hurry up.
It's the same amount of work, no matter how fast you go. Basic physics.
RAJESH: Sheldon. - Yeah?
RAJESH: If my fingers ever work again, I've got a job for the middle one.
- Oh, hey, guys. - Hi, Penny.
[RAJESH AND HOWARD SCREAM]
Take a break, guys.
- What are you doing? - Just moving something upstairs.
- What is it? - Just, you know, a time machine.
Okay, neat. But I really gotta get to work.
- Just give us a few minutes. - I'm running really late.
Then I have a simple solution.
Go up to the roof, hop over to the next building... There's a gap.
Don't look down if you're subject to vertigo... and use their stairwell.
- You're joking, right? - Oh, I never joke when it comes to vertigo.
Damn. Okay, I'll just take the roof.
If you wait for us to set up the time machine...
...I can drop you off at work yesterday.
Time-travel joke. It's not... Never mind.
For what it's worth, I thought it was humorous.
[CHORTLES]
Let's just do this.
- You guys ready to push? RAJESH: In a minute.
Howard stepped outside to throw up.
I don't know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room.
Yeah. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned.
The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor...
...from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future...
...where society had splintered into two factions:
the subterranean Morlocks...
...who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface-dwelling Eloi.
Talk about your chick magnets.
Oh, yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like:
"I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony. I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony."
But wait until I tell him I've got a time machine on my balcony.
Stuff that in your Speedos, Jacuzzi Bob.
Gentlemen, we said we'd take turns...
...but I think you'll agree that practicality dictates it remain here.
You can't keep it. What if I meet a girl and say:
"You wanna see my time machine? It's at my friend's house."
How lame is that?
- He's got a point. SHELDON: All right.
We're going to need some ground rules. "No shoes in the time machine."
"No eating in the time machine." I propose that we add:
"Pants must be worn at all times in the time machine."
Seconded.
I was gonna put down a towel.
I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bimonthly basis.
- That sounds fair. - Hold on. Bimonthly is an ambiguous term.
- Every other month or twice a month? - Twice a month.
- Then no. - Okay, every other month.
No.
Sheldon, you can't be selfish.
We all paid for it, so it belongs to all of us.
Now get out of the way so I can sit in my time machine.
[ALL GASPING]
Okay. I am setting the dials for March 10th, 1876.
Good choice. Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls for Watson.
- Wait a minute. I wanna see that too. - So when it's your turn, you can.
If we all go back to the same time, Bell's lab's going to get very crowded.
He'll know something's up.
Since the time machine doesn't move in space...
- ...you'll end up in 1876 Pasadena. - Even if you make it to Boston...
...what are you gonna do? Knock and say to Mrs. Bell, "Fan of your husband.
Can I come in and watch him invent the telephone?"
Mrs. Bell was deaf. She's not even gonna hear you knock.
I have a solution. First, go into the future...
- ...and obtain a cloaking device. - Ooh. How far into the future?
If I remember, Kirk will steal a cloaking device from the Romulans...
...on stardate 5027.3...
...which would be January 10th, 2328, by pre-Federation reckoning.
Okay, I am setting the dials for January 10th, 2328.
Here we go into the future.
That was fun.
[LAUGH ING]
My turn.
Okay, first of all, what you call a gap was nearly three feet wide.
- I slipped and skinned my knee. - Are you okay?
[BUZZING]
The door to the stairwell of the other building was locked.
I had to go down the fire escape, which ends on the third floor...
...forcing me to crawl through the window of a lovely Armenian family...
...who insisted I stay for lunch.
That doesn't sound too bad.
It was eight courses of lamb. And they tried to fix me up with their son.
- Sorry. - Not done.
By the time I got to work, they'd given my shift away.
Yeah, that's right. I've lost an entire day's pay thanks to this.
- This... - Time machine.
The lights flash and the dish spins. Wanna try?
No.
I don't wanna try it. My God, you are grown men.
How can you waste your lives with these stupid toys...
...and costumes and comic books, and now that?
- That... - Again, time machine.
Oh, please, it's not a time machine. If anything, it looks like...
...something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
It only moves in time.
It would be worse than useless in a swamp.
Pathetic. All of you, completely pathetic.
My turn.
Leonard, it's 2 in the morning.
- So? - So it's my turn.
Why'd you set it for the day before yesterday?
Because I wanna go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.
You can't. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past...
...you would not have it available to stop yourself from buying it.
Ergo, you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time-travel mistake.
Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?
Same paradox.
If you were to travel back in time and knock me unconscious...
...you wouldn't have the conversation that irritated you...
...motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious.
What if I knocked you unconscious right now?
It won't change the past.
But it'd make the present so much nicer.
Are you upset about something?
What was your first clue?
Well, it was a number of things. First, the late hour.
Then your demeanor seems very low-energy.
- Plus your irritability... - Yes, I'm upset.
Oh.
I don't usually pick up on those things.
Good for me.
Yeah, good for you.
Oh, wait.
Did you wanna talk about what's bothering you?
- I don't know. Maybe. - Wow, I'm on fire tonight.
Well, here's the thing.
Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines.
I disagree.
Your inability to successfully woo Penny...
...long predates your acquisition of the time machine.
That failure clearly stands on its own.
- Thanks for pointing it out. - In addition, your premise is flawed.
In the original film, Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimieux...
...with that time machine.
In Back to the Future, Marty McFly got to hook up...
...with his extremely attractive young mother.
- Those are movies. - Of course they're movies.
Are you expecting an example involving a real-life time machine?
That's absurd.
LEONARD: Come on, guys, push.
HOWARD: If I push any harder, I'm gonna give birth to my colon.
- Oh, hey, guys. - Hi, Penny.
[RAJESH AND HOWARD SCREAM]
Take a break, guys.
What are you doing?
Oh, you know, just moving a time machine.
Yeah, okay, neat. But I really gotta get to work.
No problem.
Hang on.
But what about your time machine?
Some things are more important than toys.
I'm scared.
Don't worry, baby, I've got you.
Oh, Leonard.
It's still my turn.
What are you doing?
I'm packing up all my collectibles...
...and taking them down to the comic-book store to sell.
Is that really necessary?
If you need money, you can always sell blood.
And semen.
It's not about money.
We brought food.
Lox and bagels, the breakfast of time travelers.
Terrific. Anyone wanna buy my share of the time machine?
- Why? - Because I don't want it anymore.
- Why? - Just personal reasons.
My Spidey sense tells me this has something to do with Penny.
Look, do you wanna buy me out or not?
I'll give you $100, which will make me half-owner, and we'll put it on my balcony.
Screw his balcony. I'll give you 120 and put it in my garage.
- I paid $200 for my share. - Everybody knows a time machine loses...
...half its value the minute you drive it off the lot.
I'll go for 200. That time machine stays right where it is.
Three hundred. And I'll throw in my original 1979 Mattel Millennium Falcon...
...with real light-speed sound effects.
No. No more toys or action figures or props or replicas...
...or costumes or robots or Darth Vader voice changers.
I'm getting rid of all of it.
You can't do that. Look what you've created.
It's like Nerdvana.
More importantly, you have a Darth Vader voice changer?
- Not for long. - I call dibs on the Golden Age Flash.
I need that to complete my Justice Society of America collection.
- I called dibs. - You can't.
I can and I did. Look up "dibs" in Wikipedia.
Dibs doesn't apply in a bidding war.
It's not a bidding war. I'm selling it all to Larry down at the comic-book store.
- Why Larry? Did Larry call dibs? - Will you forget dibs?
He offered me a fair price for the whole collection.
- What's the number? I'll match it. - I'll match it, plus 1000 rupees.
- What's the exchange rate? - None of your business. Take it or leave it.
Mom, my bar mitzvah bonds, how much do I got?
Thanks. I can go $2600 and two trees in Israel.
Forget it. Guys, if I sell to one of you, the other two are gonna be mad at me.
Who cares? As long as you pick me.
Okay, Leonard, put down the box. Let's talk.
Sorry, Raj, my mind is made up.
No. I can't let you do this.
Sheldon, get out of my way.
None shall pass.
Okay.
I did not wanna do this...
...but I have here the rare, mint-condition, production-era...
...Star Trek: The Next Generation Geordi La Forge without his VISOR...
...in the original packaging.
If you do not get out of my way...
...I will open it.
Okay, man, be cool.
We're all friends here.
What the hell's going on?
- You hypocrite. - What?
Little Miss Grown-Ups- Don't-Play-With-Toys.
If I went into that apartment right now, would I not find Beanie Babies?
Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies?
And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts?
Hello, Hello Kitty.
Okay, okay, look, if this is about yesterday, Leonard...
...I am really sorry about what I said. I was just upset.
- No, I needed to hear it. - You didn't. You are a great guy.
And it is the things you love that make you who you are.
I guess that makes me large breasts.
Still, I think it's time for me to get rid of this stuff...
...and, you know, move on with my life.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh. Wow.
Good for you.
Thanks.
Hey, do you wanna, I don't know, later...?
Excuse me.
- Hey, Penny. - Hi, Mike.
- You ready to go? - I just have to change.
- I'll give you a hand. - Oh, stop it.
Bye, guys.
[DOOR CLOSES]
My turn on the time machine.
It worked.
It really worked.
They said I was mad, but it worked.
Oh, no, not Morlocks.
Not flesh-eating Morlocks.
Help!
[SCREAMS]
Sheldon, are you okay?
We have to get rid of the time machine.
It is a little big for the living room, isn't it?
Yeah, that's the problem. It's too big.
I'm glad you agree. I hired some guys to help us move it.
Come on in, fellas.
Oh, no, Morlocks.
Eat him, eat him.
[SCREAMING]
[GASPING]
Leonard!
[English - US - SDH]